Future Husband, I Have A New Ritual

Dear Future Husband,
I know that we will have plenty of time to make this decision together, but I want you to know that my mind is made up: we will not be taking a cruise for our honeymoon.

Don’t get me wrong, cruises are absolutely wonderful. My livelihood currently depends on that fact. But, seeing as I am employed by a cruise line, I would prefer to do something else…I sail enough as it is.

Now, being a somewhat frequent cruiser, I have developed a few ship rituals:
1. Remove extra hangers from closet on the first night to avoid unnecessary noises (hangers tend to move with the movement of the ship, and you know how I feel about unnecessary noises).
2. Eat AT LEAST one soft serve ice cream cone each day.
3. Always enjoy/be aware of the view from one’s stateroom porthole or verandah.

During a recent sailing, I had a stateroom with a porthole. One morning, while the ship was docked at port, I completed ritual number three before getting ready: I looked out the window to assess the scene outside. On this particular morning, I had a beautiful view of the ocean – no boats, ships, barges or souls in sight. PERFECT.

So, naturally, I flung the curtains open and began getting ready. Since I had pre-established that there was no one outside with a direct line of sight into my room, I did not find it necessary to fully clothe myself whilst drying my hair.

BIG. MISTAKE.

Apparently, the crew had decided that this morning was THE PERFECT morning to, you guessed it, WASH THE WINDOWS. And they forgot to tell me.

So, here I am, singing my heart out, drying my hair, and I’ll be honest – probably doing some type of interpretive dance – when I hear this odd screeching sound. I turned JUST IN TIME to see a yellow jumpsuit wearing gentleman on a scaffold very slowly slide by my window.

NEVER have I hit the ground faster in my life. I then proceeded to wrap myself in the curtains for what felt like an hour while my heart beat returned to normal. AWK-WARD. Needless to say, I was understandably VERY reluctant to make eye contact with anyone donning yellow for the rest of the day.

And now, I have added a fourth ritual: regardless of scene outside, wear clothing and limit interpretive dancing if stateroom curtains are open.

PS. Wherever we honeymoon, we WILL be asking for the window-washing schedule.

xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, I Have A New Ritual

Future Husband, Don’t Be Late

Dear Future Husband,
You were almost too late. I think I almost got hitched.

Let me explain.

I travel A LOT. Traveling is one of my passions, and I do it as frequently as I possibly can. (It would be wise to apply for a passport now, you’re going to need it once we meet.)

On one of my last trips, I found myself in the Caribbean. Side note: people are very friendly in the Caribbean – and talking about one’s love life with a complete stranger is apparently 100% completely acceptable.

My trip was coming to an end, and a very nice gentleman offered to give me a ride to the airport (don’t worry, while he was a stranger to me personally, he was also an established business acquaintance…I don’t get in the car with COMPLETE strangers…unless it’s Uber). Riding in silence during our commute was NOT an option, and he made very good use of the time by asking me a million questions about myself. Now, I’m not super outgoing at first, but I appreciated his friendliness, so I engaged in the conversation. But then, he went for the jugular and asked, “Are you married?”

To which I replied “Uhm, No.”

I thought he was going to STRAIGHT UP stop the car.

“WHAT?! You’re not married? WHY EVER NOT? You just don’t want to be? Turned all the guys down? How old are you?”

Oy vei.

I kept my cool, decided to take his astonishment as a compliment and politely explained that I just hadn’t found the right one at the right time.

At that moment, this stranger of a gentleman realized that he, in fact, KNEW the right one – his cousin Stuart – and decided to give him a call. Right then. Right there. Timing is everything…

I sat in bewilderment as this man called Cousin Stuart and proceeded to tell him that he was sitting in a car with a pretty single girl, and he thought that the two of us would be a GREAT match. The only problem was that he was taking this gal to the airport, so Stuart would probably have to make a trip to the United States for the first date.

Funny, right? I thought so too…until he HANDED ME THE PHONE. WHAT?!?!?!

So, I talked to Cousin Stuart. I thought he was going to apologize for his cousin’s forwardness and the unavoidable awkwardness that was this situation, but no. Cousin Stuart apparently COMPLETELY trusts his cousin because he was 100% onboard with this set up. He expressed his disappointment that I was leaving that day and invited me back to the islands so that he could personally show me around. Finally, he asked if could take me out the next time he was in the United States.

I told him “Sure…just look up Ima (last name omitted) on Facebook and you should be able to find me.”

Apparently that worked for him, and I was able to END the conversation.

In that moment, I was IMMENSELY grateful that I had failed to mention to my friendly chauffeur that my flight wasn’t leaving for another seven hours…as I’m pretty sure that would have given the eager duo ample time to arrange the wedding before takeoff.

PS. I’m avoiding the Caribbean until we meet…don’t want to take any chances.
PSS. I have to travel to the Caribbean for work, so please come soon…

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Don’t Be Late