Future Husband, Are You a Bee?

Dear Future Husband,
Who came up with saying, “the birds and the bees?” And are the birds supposed to be the girls and the bees, the boys? Or is it the other way around? Does anyone actually know? (I 100% plan to do a Google search as soon as I finish writing, so this whole intro will be moot…)

Anyway, regardless of the origin of the expression, I remember the EXACT moment I learned the difference between “the birds and the bees.” And it happened waaaaaay before my mother gave me “the talk.” Which was prompted by love bugs…making love. I don’t remember much about that talk other than it happened while I was captive in the car – on College Drive – and I couldn’t get away.

The REAL revelation happened when I was about four or five years old. My best friend was a little boy (of the same age). We would hang out EVERY DAY (or at least that’s how I remember it) and do EVERYTHING together. I thought he was the coolest kid around (he was the only kid around). He taught me to play with toy trucks and to love the movie referred to as “Car Car” (to this day, my parents never learned the actual name of the film).

BUT, the day finally came when we found something that we couldn’t do together…

…tinkle outside (or at least successfully tinkle outside).

We were playing on the swing set and cool best boy friend needed to use the bathroom. So, he simply stopped what he was doing, walked to a bush and let nature take its course.

I don’t have brothers, so the concept of tinkling outside had NEVER BEFORE occurred to me. But, in that moment, I realized that I, TOO, had to use the bathroom. So, I stopped what I was doing, walked to a bush and quickly found out that nature took a TOTALLY DIFFERENT course for me.

Needless to say, it did NOT end well. Clothing had to immediately be changed, and my adorable pair of E.T. velcro sneakers never smelled the same again.

PS. I’m telling you this story now so that it cannot be used against me by my parents the first time I bring you home.

Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Are You a Bee?