Future Husband, You Can Handle IT

Dear Future Husband,
I could have REALLY used your help around 11:23pm the other night.

I was getting ready for bed and had just washed my face. I was reaching for the towel hanging over my shower rod when I noticed IT.

IT = the biggest, ugliest, yellowest and orangest (I just created a word) spider I have ever seen.

I might have cursed your unknown name at that point for forcing me to deal with IT in my helpless, very tired and female-who-hates-spiders state.

But alas, I had to do SOMETHING. I tried many different ways to knock IT from the ceiling. I removed the shower head and sprayed the ceiling (NOT the best idea…remind me to point out the decorative water stains that I’m totally blaming on you after we meet). I threw things at IT (apparently I have horrible aim when it comes to hurling near weightless objects at a targeted area). Nothing worked.

Angry or amused (I couldn’t accurately decipher IT’s feelings), IT began toying with me by descending from and re-climbing its lifeline of silk over and over again. Then, IT triumphantly returned to its original position defiantly perched on the ceiling. Back to square one.

In my now desperate state, I was – you guessed it – desperate. I had to try ONE more time. I concocted a VERY resourceful plan involving my hairspray can. I removed the lid, filled it with water, got close to IT and forcefully splashed IT off the ceiling. VICTORY!

The problem: everything that went up, of course, came down. On my head. And I freaked out.

After doing a little frantic (ok, a LOT frantic) dance, I saw IT on the shower floor. And under the hairspray can lid IT went…until the morning.

…..break for 7 hours of IT-infested dreams….

I awoke the next morning not rested in the least, but ready for round two nonetheless. I called my mother to tell her about the incident, and when she learned that I had kept IT imprisoned all night and had not yet released IT, her words were – and I quote – “Sooner better than later — poor IT is prob hungry. And scared.”

And now, I ACTUALLY began EMPATHIZING with IT, and completely felt bad for inducing starvation and panic on this poor, helpless creature.

So, I slipped some paper under the hairspray can lid and carefully took IT outside to set IT free.

As soon as IT realized IT was free, IT immediately began to CHARGE at me. I knocked IT back. IT charged again. I knocked IT back again. And the charge continued. And then I ran inside and slammed the door.

At this point, I was terrified that IT was going to try to come inside again, so I peeked out the front door window. And, right where IT WAS formally standing, sat a very large and satiated looking lizard.

Oops. Sorry, IT.

PS. Had you been around, the situation would not have been NEARLY as dramatic…unless you, too, are not a fan of spiders.
PSS. Even if you are NOT a fan of spiders, you will still assume spider (and lizard, frog, roach, rodent, bird, moth, anything that flies/crawls that could potentially EVER enter the house) duties, should they occur.

Ima Waitin

Future Husband, You Can Handle IT