Future Husband, I Have News

Dear Future Husband,

I think it’s about time that I told you something. Brace yourself, this is BIG news:

I’m dating someone.

Actually, I’ve BEEN dating someone. For five and a half months.

I know, I know. I’m sure you don’t want to be exposed to all the juicy details about my ACTUAL dating life. The rhetoric was tolerable when the dates were hypothetical and nonexistent, and I certainly appreciate the sensitivity of the situation. However, I’m sure that you would agree that in order for me to get to Future Husband, I’m going to have to experience Current Boyfriend. And you’re just going to have to deal with it…(and hear ALL about it!)

I guess I should start from the beginning.

After all my talk of loathing the dating sites/apps, I must sheepishly admit that we met on…that’s right…a dating app. I was JUUUUST about to call it quits…again…and delete the app when HIS profile popped up. I thought he was handsome, wondered, “What if?” and decided to give it ONE. LAST. CHANCE. After all, it was free to “like” him and I had nothing to lose.

To my surprise, he initiated conversation pretty quickly. Then asked for my number. And then – get this – CALLED ME. Whoa. In the age of social media, NOBODY calls anymore. So far, so good.

When he asked me out for an upcoming Saturday night, I calmly, coolly and collectedly accepted, hung up the phone and then proceeded to go BAT SH*T CRAZY. In that moment I realized that I had limited time before our first encounter, and I was waaaaaay overdue for a hair appointment, had absolutely NOTHING to wear and my nails needed some TLC.

Thankfully, my amazing hairstylist managed to squeeze me in, last-minute, that Friday night. I emerged from the salon on cloud nine with my few grey hairs camouflaged and a fresh cut…only to quickly plummet back to reality when I realized that, in my “I have a date” giddy state of mind, I COMPLETELY forgot that one is not allowed to wash her hair for 48 hours following a coloring treatment. Which meant that the remnants of the dye would REMAIN on my forehead UNTIL I could wash my hair…a day AFTER the date. Ugh. I prayed he wouldn’t notice.

To boost my slightly waning confidence, I awoke early on Saturday to embark on an outfit-hunting mission. After hours of perusing, I triumphantly returned home with not one, but TWO, amazing, I-look-super-hot-and-he’ll-never-notice-my-forehead options. However, I swear something happened to the clothes on the car ride home because I hated both outfits the minute I stepped foot in my house. GRRRR!

So, I splurged on a gel manicure, found a presentable outfit, very strategically fixed my hair and headed to dinner. Here goes nothing!

Naturally, I was the first one there, so I waited for him inside.

And then he walked in…

I spotted him, he spotted me, we locked eyes, (cue the romantic music), he walked up to me…said “Hi” and proceeded to…SHAKE MY HAND…in front of EVERYONE (kill the romantic music). Awesome. I was logically convinced that every patron in the restaurant was now aware that we were on a first, internet-set-up date and that we had quickly become the sole topic of their conversation.

To this day, he SWEARS he didn’t shake my hand…but I would bet the future of our entire relationship on it. And I’m right…so…

Anyway, we grabbed a drink, waited for a table and had a lovely dinner. I guess our waitress didn’t see the awkward handshake because she referred to us as “her favorite couple of the night.” I’m not going to lie…I enjoyed her assumption.

Seven hours later, I told him goodnight. And, five and a half months later, we’re still going strong.

PS. He never noticed my forehead, but he DID notice my manicure. The primping paid off.

Xoxo,

Ima Waitin

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Future Husband, I Have News

Future Husband, Don’t Trust The Google

Dear Future Husband,
I have a theory: In today’s digital world, I truly believe that you can find ANYONE online if you have a first name and two pieces of personal information. It doesn’t matter what the information is, as long you have two unique bits.

For example, my friends met an eligible bachelor who they thought just might be you. Unfortunately, they only knew his first name, his current city of residence and the field in which he was employed.

Within MINUTES I was able to determine his last name, the correct spelling of his first name, the company for which he works, the address of said company, the college and graduate school he attended as well as the past three cities in which he lived. Oh yeah, AND a picture (or two). Jack. Pot.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a stalker. I’m just very curious. I promise.

Anyway, as demonstrated above, this knowledge comes in very handy when trying to date these days. It can also be very annoying when you (meaning me) try very hard to avoid disclosing too much personal information BEFORE the first date.

Therefore, assuming that everyone has my mad investigating skills, I asked my friend to Google my first name as well as two pieces of information that I had provided on my online dating profile. Just to see. The info was pretty generic and ambiguous (on purpose), so I felt rather confident that I would remain undiscovered.

So, my friend went about her Google search and giggled – no – BELLOWED with laughter when the results populated.
I. KID. YOU. NOT. THIS is what the Google produced:

Born and raised in the woods, by a pack of wolves, Ima never quite ‘fit in.’ She always wondered ‘who am I, really?’ After years on the road making a living as a…

I swear. SHEESH. Sigh. I give up.

On the bright side, at least it’s a conversation starter?? Maybe?

PS. If you’ve Googled me and said NOT GONNA HAPPEN, give me a second chance…I’ve come a long way since the woods.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Don’t Trust The Google

Future Husband, Let’s Have Fun

Dear Future Husband,
Inevitably, on every first date, I am asked the following question:

“So, what do you do for fun??”

As soon as the words are uttered, I IMMEDIATELY panic as I simultaneously internalize my entire existence, which usually ends in me feeling like the most BORING PERSON EVER. I mean, I think I’m loads of fun, but OMG THE PRESSURE!

But, when presented with such a personality-defining question, one cannot remain silent.

So, I simply respond, “I write.”

Which usually leads to, “About what?”

YIKES. YIKES. YIKES.

“Well, you see, I write these letters about my dating life to my currently non-existent Future Husband, whom you just MIGHT be, but I have no idea as this is only our first encounter, and then I post them for the world to read since I obviously cannot share them with him at the moment. So, if you’re NOT my Future Husband, would you at least do something interesting/entertaining so that I have fodder for my next post??”

“Huh?”

And maybe that’s why I’m still single.

PS. I’m not dumb…I would never tell you about my blog on the first date: I’d let you find it on Facebook instead.
PSS. On the off chance that you would actually appreciate the above, you TRULY are my Future Husband.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Let’s Have Fun

Future Husband, Do You Know My Mother?

Dear Future Husband,
You should probably be aware of the fact that I talk to my mother…A LOT. And then she immediately tells my dad everything, so I INdirectly talk to my dad A LOT. Therefore, my parents consistently know A LOT about me, and in due time, will know A LOT about you. I hope that’s ok. If not, speak now or forever hold your peace. Well, actually, I guess “speak now or forever never show up” would work just as well here…

Anyway, I was talking to my mother this weekend, and she excitedly exclaimed, “Ima! I met your future husband! I know who you’re going to marry! I’m not even kidding…I think I REALLY found him!” Now, this exclamation was pretty earth-shattering considering SHE HAS NEVER ONCE even remotely made this claim before. And, if you’ll remember, she is totally against arranging my marriage. So, intrigued, I asked her to continue.

My mother then went on to explain how she knew this most eligible and perfect bachelor and everything she had learned about him – which was amazingly and shockingly VERY LITTLE. (He’s older than me, taller than me, employed and a Christian…I tell ya, my Mother is a SLEUTH!)

So, I agreed that this was great news and asked if she had told this most eligible and perfect bachelor that she had a most eligible and perfect daughter who was also very single?

Her response, “No.”

Well, are you GOING to tell him? (That was my next question.)

Her response, “No, I think that would be too weird.”

Hmm…ok, then. Exactly HOW am I supposed to MARRY this guy if we are never introduced?

Her response, “You’re a smart girl…I KNOW you can figure it out. Why don’t you find him online and send him a message to introduce yourself?”

RIIIIIIGHT.

Because it would BE TOTALLY WEIRD for YOU, dear Mother, to speak to a man whom you actually KNOW to let him know that you believe that he and your daughter – who happens to be of similar age, intelligence and religious upbringing – just MIGHT hit it off and would it be OK if you set up an introduction the next time she is in town?

And it would BE TOTALLY NOT WEIRD for ME – who has no apparent social common factor with this man other than a Mother who refuses to acknowledge anything – to CYBER STALK him from three states away, find his contact information and social media profiles, creepily send him a message to introduce myself and pray that he interprets my request for a date as just that, a date, rather than an elaborate, yet romantic, attempt to end his life.

You’re right, Mother. It would be CRAZY for me to ask you to introduce us. I’ll just keep you posted on the relationship – or the restraining order. Just know that restraining orders typically make it tough to produce grandchildren.

PS. Future Husband, if you DO happen to be this gentleman, I was able to find your picture online. And I think you’re handsome. So, at least we have that working for us…
PSS. Future Husband, if you are NOT this gentleman, you can thank my Mother for not introducing him to me.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Do You Know My Mother?

Future Husband, It Got Weird

Dear Future Husband,
I went on a first date this weekend. Don’t worry, I know for a FACT it wasn’t with you.

It got reeeaaal weird. Dude smelled my hair. Twice. He also felt my arm muscle (or lack thereof) for ZERO apparent reason. Then he told me that for us to enter into any kind of relationship, I would have to agree to bear his children (adoption was not an option) and that we would be naming our first daughter Delilah. I prayed with everything in me that he wasn’t expecting to procreate on the first date…

And, can you believe we were out for hours in the middle of the day and he didn’t even suggest getting a snack, drink OR bottled water, much less lunch?! He did get parched, but you better believe we passed up 15 restaurants in search of – get this – a water fountain. No luck. He went thirsty, and I went starving (and slightly terrified).

PS. Please wait until at least the 3rd date to smell me.
PSS. Delilah is officially OFF the baby name list.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, It Got Weird