Future Husband, Age Is Just A Number

Dear Future Husband,
I was talking to a girl the other day, and she said something. And I think you’ll appreciate it. If not now, definitely in about 15-20 years.

We were talking about clothes (and NO, I do NOT expect you to appreciate that). I mentioned to her that the last time I purchased a *puffy vest* was right before I began my freshman year of college.

*Definition of a puffy vest: A stylish feather-filled (usually down) vest that serves absolutely NO purpose as, when worn in cold temperatures, leaves one’s arms FREEZING and when worn in moderately cool temperatures, makes one’s midsection SWEAT LIKE HECK. But hey, they’re super cute, and I wear ‘em…or the single one I own…anyway.

I realized in that moment how many years had passed since my puffy vest purchase and said aloud, “Oh my goodness…freshman year of college was almost 15 years ago!”

She looked at me for a moment and responded with, “Woah. I totally thought we were the same age.”

So, OF COURSE, I asked her how old she was.

Get ready…

She said, “I’m 18.”

Then it was MY turn to say, “WOAH…” Followed by, “Bless you dear child.” Emphasis on child.

“Nope. I’m definitely NOT 18.” Maybe 18…PLUS 13. Ok, I’m EXACTLY 18 plus 13.

But, my dear Future Husband, here is why you’ll appreciate this: Your future wife will always look young.

I’m going to take this as truth and put it out there (and hopefully not jinx myself in the process)…when I’m 50, I’ll prob pass for 38. And I’m ok with that.

PS. If you look mature for your age, it’ll appear as though you scored a much younger woman.

Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Age Is Just A Number

Future Husband, I Left Empty Handed

Dear Future Husband,
I was shopping the other day and came across THE. BEST. SALE. EVER. (At least it will be titled as such until I “stumble” across the next one…) There were SO many cute clothes for ridiculously cheap prices.

For some reason, I ended up in the children’s section. Let’s just say that I was “looking for all of my friends’ kiddos.” Anyway, I picked up the sweetest, tiniest polo for a little boy. Age 2. And I wanted it. Nay, NEEDED it. Because there was only one left.

As I held precious polo in my hands, the following thought process ensued:

“Wouldn’t this just be ADORABLE on future 2-year-old baby boy?!”
“I’ll never be able to find something similar at THIS price again!”
“I should start buying children’s clothes so that when the time comes, I’ll be set!”
“GOSH, I’m SO smart and will save SO much money!”

Then came the NEXT round of thoughts:

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
“What if future baby boy is ACTUALLY future baby GIRL?”
“I better look at the girls’ clothing instead.”

Then, finally:

“Ima…time for REAL talk.”
“First, STOP talking to yourself.”
“Heck, you don’t even have FUTURE HUSBAND.”
“Put down precious polo AND darling dress and slowly walk away.”
“Now, let’s re-focus this energy on future boyfriend…”

So, I ended the shopping spree in the men’s department. And went home empty-handed. Womp womp.

PS. I didn’t ACTUALLY go home empty-handed. I bought a shirt. For MYSELF. For $10. SCORE!

Ima Waitin

Future Husband, I Left Empty Handed