Future Husband, Are You a Bee?

Dear Future Husband,
Who came up with saying, “the birds and the bees?” And are the birds supposed to be the girls and the bees, the boys? Or is it the other way around? Does anyone actually know? (I 100% plan to do a Google search as soon as I finish writing, so this whole intro will be moot…)

Anyway, regardless of the origin of the expression, I remember the EXACT moment I learned the difference between “the birds and the bees.” And it happened waaaaaay before my mother gave me “the talk.” Which was prompted by love bugs…making love. I don’t remember much about that talk other than it happened while I was captive in the car – on College Drive – and I couldn’t get away.

The REAL revelation happened when I was about four or five years old. My best friend was a little boy (of the same age). We would hang out EVERY DAY (or at least that’s how I remember it) and do EVERYTHING together. I thought he was the coolest kid around (he was the only kid around). He taught me to play with toy trucks and to love the movie referred to as “Car Car” (to this day, my parents never learned the actual name of the film).

BUT, the day finally came when we found something that we couldn’t do together…

…tinkle outside (or at least successfully tinkle outside).

We were playing on the swing set and cool best boy friend needed to use the bathroom. So, he simply stopped what he was doing, walked to a bush and let nature take its course.

I don’t have brothers, so the concept of tinkling outside had NEVER BEFORE occurred to me. But, in that moment, I realized that I, TOO, had to use the bathroom. So, I stopped what I was doing, walked to a bush and quickly found out that nature took a TOTALLY DIFFERENT course for me.

Needless to say, it did NOT end well. Clothing had to immediately be changed, and my adorable pair of E.T. velcro sneakers never smelled the same again.

PS. I’m telling you this story now so that it cannot be used against me by my parents the first time I bring you home.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Are You a Bee?

Future Husband, Take It Off The Registry

Dear Future Husband,
Everyone once in a while (ok..more than once in a while), I go through the typical female “nesting” period. I want to redecorate the house, buy new kitchen gadgets, actually USE said kitchen gadgets, take pics of my achievements and then brag to anyone and everyone about my domestic skills.

Well, I was in one of those moods the other week and decided I needed new mixing bowls, cutting boards, baking sheets, pyrex storage containers and a cake plate (I wanted to make a bundt cake).

SO, I gathered AS MANY 20% off coupons I could muster and took a field trip to Bed Bath & Beyond. Boy was I excited! I found EVERYTHING that I needed and GIDDILY proceeded to the checkout.

The cashier and I engaged in some polite conversation, and she very kindly checked me out and applied all my coupons. But then…OH BUT THEN…she looked DIRECTLY into my eyes and asked:

“Is this coming off of a registry?”

I figured that it would take too long – AND she would think I was cray cray – to explain that it WAS, in fact, coming off a registry. My own future registry. That exists in my mind.

So, I just smiled, left and ate my feelings – in the form of a delicious chocolate peanut butter bundt cake – when I got home.

PS. The cake plate wasn’t very expensive, so if that’s your aunt’s go-to wedding gift, it will be OK.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

Future Husband, Take It Off The Registry