Future Husband, Please Be Courteous

Dear Future Husband,
Before proceeding with this post, I’d like to extend my sincerest apologies to my mother, who would be downright mortified that her Southern Belle Debutante Daughter (yes, I was a deb, I’ll tell you about it another time) would ever even CONSIDER discussing such a grotesque and inappropriate topic with her future husband. Whatever.

Ok, back to you, Future Husband. Using my deductive reasoning skills, I already know something about you.

All the men I know STILL find flatulence funny/entertaining/downright HILARIOUS.
You are a man. (duh)
Therefore, you, too, will get a kick out of farting.

Farting sounds repulsive, so, from here on out, I will refer to it as “tooting.”

Knowing this, I also suspect that, the closer we get relationally, the more comfortable you’ll feel including me in this practice. As in,

FH: “Hey, Ima! Did you hear that?”
Ima: “No, hear what, lovely Future Husband?”
FH: “TOOT”
Ima: “Thank you for that, disgusting Future Husband.”

So, I come into this relationship prepared. It’s time that I introduce you to the “courtesy sniff.” Get ready, it’s going to be a thing.

You see, toots are probably comprised of tiny particles, right? Therefore, if you remove the tiny particles, then you also remove the atrocious odor, right? (I’m also good at inductive reasoning). And, I figure that one can remove the tiny toot particles by smelling them. If YOU smell them all up…I won’t have to.

Therefore, when you proudly toot in my presence, I will immediately yell, “COURTESY SNIFF!” and I 100% expect you to take the BIGGEST sniff EVER and immediately vacuum up your own toot with your own nose. I’m not even kidding.

PS. This does not apply to me as I NEVER toot – I WAS a deb, after all.

Xoxo,
Ima Waitin

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Future Husband, Please Be Courteous

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