Dear Future Husband,
There’s something you need to know about me. Unnecessary noises are my biggest pet peeve and, well, just plain unnecessary. This noise category is broad, but can be loosely defined as, “gum smacking, nail picking, loud chewing/slurping, fabric rubbing, pen tapping, annoying chatter and audible breathing,” to name a few.
Also, unnecessary noises become even more unnecessary during times when everything else is quiet – like bedtime.
For example, growing up, my family would take vacations, and my sister – Sheesa Waitin – and I would have to share a bed. Sheesa knew of my disdain for unnecessary noises, yet still defiantly chose to breathe at night. Oh, the nerve of the younger sibling… This caused many a fight and nearly ruined several trips. One night, after an epic ordeal, Sheesa sat up and bed and yelled, “IMA, I hope you marry a man who BREATHES.” Now, I cannot adequately convey in writing the tone with which Sheesa used. I think her voice dropped about 10 octaves and the word “breathes” lingered for a very long time…kind of like ‘BREEEEEAAAAAAAATTTHHHHHHHHHEEEEES.” My parents, who were in the hotel bed next to us, erupted in laughter. I slept in the bathtub.
Therefore, dear future husband, I have a very strong feeling that you were cursed by Sheesa that night, and that you will, in fact, breathe.
PS. I don’t believe in divorce, nor do I plan to sleep in the ever bathtub again. So, I’m going to put this out there: you better not snore.